While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. In the year 2137 a catastrophe has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland — food and water are scarce, social institutions have crumbled, and a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States.
Zesty Lewis
Anti-Gay Marriage Group Director
When a group of radical activists take over an energy company's annual gala, seizing 300 hostages, an ex-soldier turned window cleaner suspended 50 storeys up on the outside of the building must save those trapped inside, including her younger brother.
Although he hates dogs, Toni is engaged in finding lost animals and then sentimentally blackmails the masters in order to obtain beautiful large amounts of money. Because of an old and ugly Pekinese that Toni cannot succeed of getting rid of, feelings of affection awake in him that surprise even Toni.
Morbius Jr, now an OId Man, is nearing the end of life, when he finds the last hope for all Morbkind. However, as he fights to protect the future of Morbheads, he finds himself facing off against an unlikely of enemy... HIMSELF.
A man lurks the night alleys, killing people at random, he feels nothing, no emotion, and no pain; when he meets a graceful widow he must confront what it means to be human.
Toni, a grumpy in his fifties, avoids children at all costs. His life changes when he suddenly has to take care of his sister's five adopted children, each from a different country. Toni will have to deal with new parenthood and cultural differences.
Qiao Feng is the respected leader of a roving band of martial artists. After he is wrongfully accused of murder and subsequently exiled, Qiao Feng goes on the run in search of answers about his own mysterious origin story—and the unknown enemies working to destroy him from the shadows.
San Francisco filmmaker Konrad Steiner took 12 years to complete a montage cycle set to the late Leslie Scalapino’s most celebrated poem, way—a sprawling book-length odyssey of shardlike urban impressions, fraught with obliquely felt social and sexual tensions. Six stylistically distinctive films for each section of way, using sources ranging from Kodachrome footage of sun-kissed S.F. street scenes to internet clips of the Iraq war to a fragmented Fred Astaire dance number.
A documentary film depicting five intimate portraits of migrants who fled their country of origin to seek refuge in France and find a space of freedom where they can fully experience their sexuality and their sexual identity: Giovanna, woman transgender of Colombian origin, Roman, Russian transgender man, Cate, Ugandan lesbian mother, Yi Chen, young Chinese gay man…
Scooby-Doo and the mystery inc gang battle fiends and gobs of eerie monsters.
Realizing that she cannot take down Fisk alone, Sayen teams up with an underground resistance group with a plan to expose and end Fisk's unchecked plundering once and for all.
Eight contestants compete in eight deadly, classic children's games. They seek fame beyond their wildest dreams, competing for the chance to take over the YouTube channel of the famous yet elusive masked content creator known only as "JaxPro".
The Imjin War reaches its seventh year in December of 1598. Admiral Yi Sun-shin learns that the Wa invaders in Joseon are preparing for a swift withdrawal following the deathbed orders of their leader Toyotomi Hideyoshi. Determined to destroy the enemy once and for all, Admiral Yi leads an allied fleet of Joseon and Ming ships to mount a blockade and annihilate the Wa army. However, once Ming commander Chen Lin is bribed into lifting the blockade, Wa lord Shimazu Yoshihiro and his Satsuma army sail to the Wa army's rescue at Noryang Strait.
Ryan Logan, a former Special Forces operative, is battling to cope with life after the loss of his wife. He is thrusted into the criminal underworld to keep his only son from being taken from him.
In the center of the story are three main characters - Lieutenant Colonel Soshnikov, Captain Muravyov and Major Zakharov. Three ages, three different characters, three different destinies, which are destined to meet at the Khmeimim military base.
A young Hip Hop star named Summer G falls for a middle to upper class sister while in college. After she rejects him for a fellow social climber, Summer G spends ten years building a Hip Hop empire, then moves to the Hamptons where he finds the object of his affections.