
While other media outlets bring you news as it happens, only the Onion News Network has the power to bring you the news before it happens. In the year 2137 a catastrophe has reduced the world to a lawless wasteland — food and water are scarce, social institutions have crumbled, and a screaming, tattooed thug has been installed as the president of what remains of the United States.

Zesty Lewis
Anti-Gay Marriage Group Director
6.0A group of scientists are sent on a mission to destroy unstable planets. Twenty years into their mission, they have to battle their alien mascot as well as a "sensitive" and intelligent bombing device that starts to question the meaning of its existence.
6.9Miles Monroe, a clarinet-playing health food store proprietor, is revived out of cryostasis 200 years into a future world in order to help rebels fight an oppressive government regime.
6.0After being punished for retreat from combat, Ranger David Martel is given command of the Liandra, a haunted 20-year old Minbari fighting ship. He's escorting ambassadors to a secret archaeological site, the oldest city on record and a clue to a dangerous ancient race.
7.4ZIM discovers his almighty leaders never had any intention of coming to Earth and he loses confidence in himself for the first time in his life, which is the big break his human nemesis, Dib has been waiting for.
6.4When scientists use eco-terrorism to impose their will on the world by affecting extremes in the weather, Intelligence Chief Cramden calls in top agent Derek Flint.
5.9With the help of an ancient Kryptonian power, Lex Luthor unites the world’s Super-Villains to capture all of Earth's Super Heroes, until…only the DC Super Hero Girls are left to stop the Legion of Doom. Our heroes must cross dimensions to rescue their fellow Super Heroes from the Phantom Zone, but a fortuitous wrong turn leads them to Titans Tower – where they find much-needed allies in the Teen Titans!
6.6A young man finds out that he holds the key to restoring hope and ensuring survival for the human race, while an alien species called the Drej are bent on mankind's destruction.
6.4When an alien race and factions within Starfleet attempt to take over a planet that has "regenerative" properties, it falls upon Captain Picard and the crew of the Enterprise to defend the planet's people as well as the very ideals upon which the Federation itself was founded.
6.4Luke Skywalker embarks on a mission to destroy an Imperial base, but is relentlessly chased by a group of fanatic girls who think of him as a celebrity. Meanwhile, Darth Vader engages a rivalry with Darth Maul, in order to prove that he's the best Sith Lord.
6.8As they enter sophomore year at Monster High, Clawdeen Wolf, Draculaura and Frankie Stein face new students, new powers, and an even bigger threat that could not only tear their friendship apart but could change the world forever.
6.6Sam is a teenage royal rebel, second in line to the throne of the kingdom of Illyria. Just as her disinterest in the royal way of life is at an all-time high, she discovers she has super-human abilities and is invited to join a secret society of similar extraordinary second-born royals charged with keeping the world safe.
6.0A recently orphaned 15-year-old who has moved to a small town to live with her uncle befriends a robotic canine with super strength, x-ray vision and the ability to talk and the pair take on a military complex, bullies, kidnappers, romance and the world.
6.9The unassuming, nebbishy inventor Sidney Stratton creates a miraculous fabric that will never be dirty or worn out. Clearly he can make a fortune selling clothes made of the material, but may cause a crisis in the process. After all, once someone buys one of his suits they won't ever have to fix them or buy another one, and the clothing industry will collapse overnight. Nevertheless, Sidney is determined to put his invention on the market, forcing the clothing factory bigwigs to resort to more desperate measures...
7.1Groot investigates a spooky noise that’s been haunting the Quadrant, which leads to an intense dance off.
6.4The residents of Hotel Transylvania find their world turned upside-down when youngster Dennis gets a surprise monster-sized pet.
7.1Leela becomes an outlaw when she and a group of ecologically-minded feminists attempt to save an asteroid of primitive life forms and the Violet Dwarf star from being destroyed, while Fry joins a secret society and attempts to stop a mysterious species known as the "Dark Ones" from destroying all life in the universe.
7.5A blast from Ben's past returns to do double the damage on Team Tennyson and planet Earth itself, forcing Ben to go interstellar to save the day. Based on the 2016 reboot.
7.3Groot discovers a miniature civilization that believes the seemingly enormous tree toddler is the hero they’ve been waiting for.
6.6An alien intending to claim Earth for his people before their homeworld is destroyed by a comet decides not to eliminate humanity when he hears their music. Instead, he lives among them until another alien is sent to find and kill him.
